Deep thoughts
….
1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves
your groin unprotected.
2) I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain;
no pain.
3) I am in shape. Round’s a shape…
4) I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full
effect of alphabet soup?
6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.
7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face
he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
9) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother
started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we
have no idea where she is.
10) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When
I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long
somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking
three.
11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
12) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There
you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have
photographs of her.
14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed
at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?”
she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there
were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you, too.”
15) Future historians will be able to study at the
Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the
Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.