Humor For computer non-geeks - long
Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians
are currently busy helping people even less competent than you,
so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting
time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit
product identification number onto your telephone touch pad,
followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a
secret compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to
mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler’s “Lugubrious” Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that
you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point,
and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer
manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the
technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes
your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from
sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician.
Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately
disconnected and blackballed from further communication with
Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to
enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more
about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support
before? If you have, please press the numeral “one” on your
telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral “two.” If you are
not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the
phrase: “I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will
to live.” Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the
technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be
too senile to use it anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company’s classic 1963 recording of Wagner’s “Ring
Cycle” in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of
our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the
estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at
least another two hours.
(Wayne Newton singing “Danke Schoen” 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician about your problem and risking the possibility that
you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the
following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible
I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I
have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible
means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only
telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical
Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me
notice on the floppy disk?
Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but
who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good,
solid whack? If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these
questions, please get off the line immediately so that our
overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers
whose suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant
celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased
colleagues into the form of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware
that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular
CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling
Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the
Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000
titles read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone
now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for
Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other
callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny
Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of
food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place
your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your
computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our
list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not-hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries
contact us should any further technical problems arise