tax humor
Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to
make it better.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1999 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil
and expensive. It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to
expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next
year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it’s
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While
you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at
the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of
Defense
funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy!
While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in
the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a
rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I
was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer bringing Pat home. He
and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future, would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal?
Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a
few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I’ll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he
and all of his friends have raging hormones.
This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when
he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with
girls, explosives, inflammables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock
out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On
Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it.
But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
the deduction that you are denying me! It’s quite obvious that we were
terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people
under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood, reggae, yuppie and political double speak. The
school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her “R’s”.It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional
tax and made a down payment on an airplane.